


Silent Screams

by thegirlwholoveshorror



Series: Don't Stop Smoking And Drinking [7]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Army, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Navy, Angsty Schmoop, Big Gay Love Story, Broken Engagement, Dorks in Love, Drama & Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Intoxication, Jared Being an Asshole, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Moving On, Mutual Pining, Non-Sexual Sleeping Together, Pain, Romantic Fluff, Slow Romance, Social Anxiety, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-16 20:06:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13061226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholoveshorror/pseuds/thegirlwholoveshorror
Summary: 'When love is not madness, it is not love.' ― Pedro Calderón de la Barcat





	Silent Screams

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my latest instalment!
> 
> PS: It's Christmas! I'm wishing you all lots of love, peace and joy for the holidays! x

> Never was and never will be;  
>  You don't know how you've betrayed me;  
>  And somehow you have everybody fooled. — Evanescence; _Everybody's Fool_

 

January 2 2015

“You were and you're _still_ the most **handsome** man I've ever seen,” Jensen said boldly from his seat across from Jared in Starbucks.

“I don't believe you. You're lying!” exclaimed Jared, so sure of himself; disbelief colouring his words.

Jensen frowned for a moment, a little saddened but also confused by Jared's reaction as well as disappointed by it, then simply shrugged. All of a sudden, he found he wasn't able to look at Jared, at least not directly in his eyes. “You're right. I'm just fucking with you. It's not true,”

“Oh for God's sake!” Jared shifted in his seat across from Jensen, short fuse burning. “You're such a fucking asshole, Jensen!”

After a second of thought, although it seemed like years of silence, Jensen smiled. Changing into a persona, his eyes then watched Jared like a cat watching a mousehole. “That's your opinion,” he said, turning over to face him as he rolled up the sleeves of his sweater. “But you love it,”

“Yeah, I do,” said Jared smilingly: acknowledgingly. “Now,” he continued, “let's go get a beer; but first, let's find a nice **bar**... somewhere near here,”

“I'm buying,” responded Jensen. Jensen loved Jared. It didn't matter that he was heavy in debt and that Jared was making over 60 K a year... He would always pay for Jared. The man that Jensen had fallen in love with five years ago had a broke down car and little else.

Afterwards, as they walked back from the bar to Jared's car, Jensen stopped in his tracks to pull his thick wool green and black lined scarf off and wrap it around Jared's shoulders because he was shivering like a leaf, his teeth chattering. Snow fell in large wet flakes, drifting soundlessly in the motionless air around them. It was the first snowfall of the season and the snow was falling heavily, steadily... 

“I always thought scarves were useless, but you're making me change my mind here about this. This scarf is so warm,” said Jared,a warm salacious smile curl around his lips as he burrowed his head into the scarf's warmth and bunched some of it over his shoulders. It was heavenly.

“I'm glad you're finally seeing reason here, Jared. Scarves are awesome,” Jensen smiled understandably. 

After that, they spent the rest of the night out drinking at one of Jared's friend's apartments, over in Brooklyn Heights; Chad was it?

Just as Jensen stood up from the couch he was sitting on with Jared to get another beer from the kitchen, Jared's hand reached out and his fingers edged across Jensen's jeans, there against the seam at the end of his derrière. Standing and feeling frozen, Jensen continued to listen to Jared's friend talk as he watched Jared from the corner of his eyes. He seemed to be tormented by some strange fancy or apprehension. “I'm attracted to her, Jensen; I'm just also _really_ attracted to you,” said Jared in a quiet voice, almost like a whisper, just for him to hear, just as Jared's friend pulled Jensen down onto his lap from his armchair next to the blazing fireplace. He brought Jensen's right hand's fingers to his lips.

Time passed excruciatingly slowly—one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock…

“I have to go. She's waiting for me. I'll leave you two alone together. Have fun,” said Jared, a strange look in his eyes.

“Can you take me home?” asked Jensen, standing up quickly and gathering his coat.

“I've had a lot to drink, Jensen. It's not safe. I wouldn't want you to get hurt,” 

“I don't want to stay here tonight, Jared; and we're in this together. It's my choice and I'm aware of the risk,” 

Around 4 AM that night, as Jensen sat next to Jared in the passenger seat of his car in front of the residences at NYU, they prepared to depart. Jared was dropping him off at his residence at the residence halls of NYU in NYC, around Washington Square in Greenwich Village.

“Congratulations on the engagement, by the way,” 

“Do you remember... I mean; do you ever—” 

Jensen felt his stomach tighten because... well... fuzzy memories of the taller man came rushing back with force. The implications of Jared's enquiries tonight were clear: Jared had always been the apple of his eye, but Jared had always been too blind to see anything of the sort... but... 

“What exactly are you fishing for, Jared? I thought you were charming back then, that's all and it's nothing,” 

“You never told me I was charming. You never told me anything,” said Jared, sadness in his eyes; heart surely aching.

Then they hugged and said goodbye. Jensen tried not to hug him too long.  _Time to run..._

  

May 10 2015

“The wedding's off. She left me,” Jared sighed.

“I think you should get her back,” Jensen said, brows drawn together in thoughtful consideration. Jared couldn't do better than Adrianne.

“No,” said Jared.

“If you were sincere when you told me that you love her, why are you giving up on her?”

“She broke up with me: I respect her choice,” 

“Are you sure that's what this is?” asked Jensen, trying to assess the situation.

“Of course I am,” answered Jared, no emotion evident in his voice.

“But—,”

“What?”

“You just don't seem to care that she left you and that's it's over…” said Jensen with a strong falling intonation.

Adrianne was one hell of a step up from Sandy. If Jensen couldn't have Jared, it might as well be Adrianne who had him...

 

February 15 2015

The cell phone rang out loudly, startling Jensen from his position at the back of the class.

“Hi,” said Jensen as soon as he picked up his phone. “I can't really talk right now. I'm in class,”

“Jensen...” Jared's voice cracked. 

“What's wrong?” asked Jensen. He struggled to keep down the grin that was threatening to break across his face. 

“I'm a piece of shit, Jensen.”

“Mind elaborating?” asked Jensen as he leaned back into his seat, running a hand through his hair.

“I got a DUI and now I've lost my army's driver's permit. Also, I've started smoking again,” said Jared hurriedly, his cheeks burning.

“Jesus...” huffed Jensen. “What the hell are you doing, Jared? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I know. I know. I just—” said Jared, feeling flushed and a bit embarrassed. “I'm aware that I've fucked up again,”

“You need to stop drinking, Jared,” added Jensen, feeling annoyed and debating whether or not he should insult Jared, a little or maybe a lot.

A moment passed without a response. Jensen's mind raced and he thought to himself that maybe Jared hadn't had heard him... or the line had cut...

“I can't do that,” suddenly answered Jared, almost angrily. “Drinking is part of my job,”

Now, it was Jensen's turn to be quiet as he thought through all the issues and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was all of a sudden hyper-aware of every movement around him. His eyes darted around the room to the people around him. “Can we talk about this later, Jared?”

“Alright, fine. We'll talk later. Later, Jen,” answered Jared sharply and emotionlessly, just before the line went dead.

Distraught, Jensen felt a headache come on. He frowned a little as he tried to focus on the lecture... His life was too complicated.

 

June 7 2010

Mountains surrounded them and it was late at night. The night sky was lit with stars and the splendour of the moon. Not to mention, there was a captivating glow from the blazing fire next to Jensen and Jared. They sat in Jared's driveway, drinking beer and smoking; Marlboro Red cigarettes and pot (or marijuana or whatever the Hell you call it). Jensen gazed at the high starry sky, at the moon and at the glow of the fire. Then, he looked sideways at Jared. The glow from the campfire carved his face into different angles, emphasizing the shadow of stubble across his jaw. Jensen couldn't help but notice how beautiful Jared looked with the yellow-red flames from the fire dancing shadows over his features. And he couldn't help but feel small and insignificant under that great riot of stars, out here in the country of the Appalachian region. He was taken aback by it all.

As the fire burned steadily, broken limestone rocks littered the barren ground around them. The stones under Jensen's feet were sharp and hard with rough cutting edges, but Jensen neglected to really notice the pain they caused him, not when he was graced with company this good.

 

That night and so many other nights that summer, they ate the same food, smoked the same cigarettes... Then, they slept side by side in Jared's king bed, intoxication finally getting the better of them; to them, it was a game but also a need and an addiction. How they managed to get by and through it without vomiting or ending up in an alcohol-induced coma is beyond both Jared and Jensen. To Jared though, on those days and nights, let it be known that it felt like Jensen and him were a thousand of miles apart... Jensen barely talked and didn't ever **attempt** to even touch him. He was so serious, so driven and focused, you'd think he was 30 instead of 20, and he seemed like he had no feeling.  _Or maybe he just didn't care..._

And little did Jensen know, there was something dark and sinister at play coming for him and it wouldn't take long before it would infiltrate him.

 

September 24 2010

“Tom,” whispered Jensen from his room in his apartment. It was just ten past 11 and his roommates were in bed. “Are you coming over tonight?”

“Sure thing, babe,” answered Tom, all sweetness and innocence. “I'm already on my way. I'll be there in an hour,” 

Jensen took a deep, happy breath and started to relax.

After hanging up and opening another beer with the lighter Jared had given him, he laid it down on his table and then walked over to the mini-fridge in the corner of his room. He opened it and pulled out a large bottle of red wine. Tonight was going to be a good night.

He'd been seeing Tom for about a month and felt at ease with him. The guy was extremely easygoing and so clearly a stud. He was the total opposite of Jared. They'd hugged and kissed and even fooled around. For Jensen, it was good practice. Tom was good for it.

Now, in just over a week, he'd confess his feelings to Jared. He had all the tale-telling signs of being in love with him. And, at the very thought of claiming Jared to be his boyfriend, his pulse beat faster and he felt an untold happiness when he pictured himself with him.

What could possibly go wrong? This was the beginning of something wonderful. Jared and he were meant to be together and he would ask him out.

 

\-------------x------------- In the winter, spring, summer and fall of 2011 -------------x-------------

Jensen had never wanted to learn anything the hard way, but, as it happens, you don't always get to choose the environment you find yourself in or the circumstances that happen to you. And that's why Jensen drank. When he drank, his mind cleared... people swam around him and the colours of the world faded into a sterile white, clean and dead environment. It was dizzying and just the perfect solution for him given his life situation right now. After every drink he consumed, he grew number. Then, eventually, nothing existed: he didn't exist anymore. The element of time was even eliminated. The world would fall out of focus and he'd find himself as if sitting on the ground in a circle of light, surrounded by darkness... It was golden and so wonderful to just forget everything that isn't alcohol, like some kind of peaceful **transcendental** realm.

Although Jensen should have been working towards a stronger will and maturity - so he could configure how to shape his future -, all Jensen really tried to do then was to take refuge in the arms of his pain and agony, the only thing he knew for sure. He also tried to take refuge in the sheer profundity of all things around him, trying desperately to make sense of his life and of all the things happening to him...

And the more Jensen drank, the more he uncovered repressed memories, things he wishes he could forget or simply become numb to, but was now and then again obsessing over because he couldn't just let go of any of it, not when it had all hurt him so badly... Even if the pain was really bad, even more so when he thought about all these things, he couldn't just let it lie... for so many reasons... But then when he dwelled over it, the pain grew and he wanted to drink even more. He was kind of a **masochist**. But surely this pain was warranted! Jensen had always believed in the concept of merit. Everyone was given their due... Of course, when the whole world falls apart in your hands and you lose your mind somewhere in the chaos and the clutter of existence because, then again, gravity pulls you down with a force only equal to the amount of time you’ve spent in denial of your problems times the number and size of the problems you have... it’s not like you can tell the difference between up and down or anything at all for that matter. In fact, you start to second-guess everything and question your sanity... All you feel is pain and all you see is _the end_.

These were the times when tears would fell so easily from Jensen's eyes. His face pink from exertion, he'd cry; his heart aching for Jared, rending despair. It didn't matter if he was alone, asleep or with friends and acquaintances: it's as though his eyes had a mind of their own. People thought Jensen was strange because he couldn't explain it. All he could say to them is that his tears didn't mean a thing or matter and all he could tell himself is that he did his best... His best just was not very good. Paralyzed, he didn't have a clue what to do or what he could deal with...

The truth is that he had dreams that he needed to be complete and he needed love to ease his mind. Unfortunately, Jensen had spent his whole life running from his problems and creating new ones all the while suffering from the consequences of it all, and rather than moving on with his life he preferred to now drown in his sorrows and sufferings. All things considered, he was starting to think that he'd never stop running from his problems and creating new ones, desperately trying to seek peace in his interior life, away from the woes and dreariness of everyday life as well as the bumps in the road and the trials of mankind, but finding nothing but questions and devils, and, not to mention, having to look at himself in the mirror and see what a failure he was and had become. He'd managed to put himself into a corner, fighting and biting from that corner, and now he was barricaded in with nothing but his dying faith to keep him going, even, or should I say most of all, on the worst of his days. It was this faith that had led him down this path in the first place... And now, he was trying to keep the flood from spreading and inundating his **world**...

'I feel like I've been left for dead...' was a reoccurring thought along with 'Something's wrong with me...'

It was hard to understand the way he was living. And Jensen knew that Jared was upset with him...

What was he supposed to do? His mind was broken. Who would help him? In the end, everyone left him. He was destined to die alone.

 

'Life isn't black and white. It's a million grey areas, don't you find?' ― Ridley Scott

 

Suggested Song To Listen To Right About Now: LIFE IN THREE PARTS by HIGHWATER RISING


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